9.1.2024 (nature clock, 2nd counselling sess with Florence*)

saw ur nature clock / metronome vid. q q as always. wanna practise piano using this metronome.

today went set up for the CCDC show at The Box, then had the 2nd counselling session with V at Temple Street with florence. this time the atmosphere is much lighter, florence also tried to tell more jokes. still cried a bit but overall dou helpful. after that went to Temple street for dinner. had coconut chicken.

i been thinking, one of the most hor sik things is not being able to chat with u, even as frds. about today's counselling sess, florence did try to help me find the root of my anxiety. i realized i have been giving myself the pressure / expectation to over-deliver since i was a kid. i think i have told u about these already maybe. i was never 全級第一 and best i ever got was no.2, but i often get highest marks in 中英文作文, so i know ppl and teachers have expectations on me and i still try to over-deliver to surpass their expectations. i really did enjoy reading and writing, n it encouraged me to do it more when my teachers are often supportive. however, i would add like 10 pages to a simple composition assignment and then maybe submit a week after the deadline. the teachers would try to be encouraging by only deducting some marks while still giving me the highest.

this is basically how i still treat my music jobs. i want to over-deliver every time. to give ppl 120 marks. n then turns out i mess up with my schedule and other personal issues pop up and my anxiety and stuff and i not only cannot meet the deadline i cannot even deliver 80 marks. then i "push" myself harder or find coping mechanisms to escape. and this is the vicious cycle. eventually my deliverables get worse n worse n i feel more guilty for disappointing everyone.

in a way one thing she pointed out correctly is that it's also a kind of arrogance. becos believing that i can deliver 120 by trying harder is arrogance somehow. not being honest with my limitations is arrogance. staying awake n trying to work inefficiently is denial.

after so many years, i'm still in many ways the kid that i was. transforming deeply is not easy. but im seeing more hope now. my anxiety is a lot more under control now n my self-consciousness have been improving significantly. i dunno if these would jus be short-term or not but im glad to see these changes in me. reli wish i could share these with u. patience i know. patience nsc.