4.12.2023 (emergency contact)

today still relatively stable mood-wise. pretty incredible stuff. quite focused on preparing for the 8 dec first ever vinyl DJ set at Mercury Recalls. it's just a 2 hours set but seems really need like 10 hours prep time, cos need to go thru the songs, know the beginning and end n structure well in order to think of how to do the transitions. it feels nice to focus on doing sth. tho on n off still have a few emo moments hitting me. but it's much better than 4 months ago. crazy stuff reli.

since the moment i saw thru a few truths, i been reli having a lot less anxiety. i realized how a lot of my automatic reactions were just coping mechanisms. e.g. watching news videos, netflix, tutorials, online shopping, spotify, downloading new plugins / samples or anxiously waiting for ppl to text back, and then when ppl do text back im anxious to listen to the voicenotes n follow up. it's all my ways of looking for 'pacifiers'. u r right somehow about how 安穩是來自自己. but then i guess no one is jesus / buddha so it's still human to hav some feelings. i still dunno how things will go with v. i hav been going thru different scenarios in my head. at least im not as scared about making ppl dislike me / hate me / judge me now. it's still scary i mean... being seen by everyone as the bad guy. but there r more scary things like living an entire life not being oneself. reli wanna share all these with u, u know. but i guess no rush geh. there will be a timing i hope? mayb wise wise iwc already knew one day i'd figure these out, did u? or mayb u couldnt care less ><. see? im still overthinking... hmm...anyways

v got work trip today so i went back yuen long to sleep so that tmr can eat with parents maybe. saw the acoustic guitar i played during HKU. so i took it down to living room and played gareth's "緊急連絡人". dunno if u have listened? and if u have would you think of me or would you know that i must be thinking of u? anyways feels like a teenager again playing the acoustic guitar and playing a "sad" song to myself. wonder how u are doing iwc. do u know i miss u? in case u cant read the tone here, im not like super anxious needy depressed ok. just normal peaceful kind of missing u. and wanting to da nei.

oh saw ur 'La mal du pays' video so u moved in the new house already? seems like a nice music score stand. hope u liking the new home la. cool all black look at clockenflap.