30.11.2023 (really feeling a change in me)

today got up feeling a bit emo (cos couldnt fall asleep last night), went to gym again. feeling better afterwards. these 2 days im really seeing a change in me. i dont crave to be distracted by youtube or netflix or sth else. i feel more calm. i feel some sadness but i feel more calm. i still want to sometimes check on ur social to c c how u are but i feel less anxious. maybe this is the state u r usually in? maybe it's because i figured some things out inside. i have a better understanding of what happened.

it's really a very difficult thing to own up and be honest with feelings. i've been so used to trying to fulfill expectations. took me the sai lo incident to make me reli realize i didnt want the govt job. i seem to not care about what ppl think but deep down im doing things i think e.g. my parents would want to see. i fear being judged, gossiped about, being seen as the bad person. but sometimes being the 'good' person is hurting everyone. i booked a counsellor referred by daniel chu for 7 dec, then i plan to talk to her 15 dec, on a saturday morning, to allow more time to talk . i would want to talk to her right away, but there's this earup show 9 dec which would take away half a day. i want at least an entire weekend available to focus on it. yuen loi this is the meaning of self love.

i know our bond and the crazy ride was a result of the symptoms of our respective relationships. it's still a very genuine connection for me. at this moment i feel 靜靜的喜歡，輕輕的等待某日的相遇，好像都不錯。