29-30.12.2023 (session with pastor *quite important entry*)

ok important entry again.

today joined v to church at shatin, after my meeting with ivanhoe at Prince edward. She asked the pastor, Lau gu leung to meet with us after worship.

i was a little bit nervous before the session, but i think it did help both of us.

the church is inside a primary sku 呂明才小學. we met Lau gu leung inside a room with a few school desks. when she walked in v started crying. then Lau gu leung asked what happened. took me some deep breaths before i could formulate how to say it. she let me talk for a while and then asked v to talk.

Lau gu leung, given how much she has seen showed her understanding to both of us. she also said a lot of things v needed to hear, like while this is apparently my fault it is a symptom of issues that we both need to work on. she also reminded me a lot about reality. like it was me who chose v on day 1 and i should've known she is like this. eventually the only solution is to accept each other entirely instead of just tolerate. Lau muk c said this is v, a simple minded person who just wants simple things. i cant try to change her to become what i want or to fulfill all my needs. there were indeed things i liked about her on day 1, and i should remind myself of those things.

at some point Lau said I'm still a child, n that made me cry.

i could see my inner child feeling neglected when i was a kid, feeling rejected by my parents when i tried to express. she is right im still a child. n i cried because i felt that child was seen.

honestly i've been wanting to just quit. but i do see reasons to at least give it a gd try. i know eventually it's not entirely about who that person is or how he/she is. when i can heal myself n love myself id probably have the power to be with anyone. that is the kind of stuff i have been seeing in self-help content.

after the chat with Lau gu leung, v and me went to a cha chan teng dinner. we were able to have a longer more normal kind of chat. what felt like the normal kind of chat i'd want to have. n then back home we watched a not particularly inspiring netflix reality show. but these already made me feel more like we were trying to work on the connection.

i know even if u and i get to be together, there will be issues specific to us tht appear at some point. maybe we'd be too drawn into each other or depend too much on sentiments and stuff. in any case like u said, timing is wrong. maybe in an alternative universe it would be us seeing marriage counselling. i'm grateful for what we have in this life. a lot of beautiful things we have. and somehow we contributed to each other going through a huge change / growth. that might not have happened without each other's sensitivity n love.

somehow we both did choose to be with someone 'less sensitive' and more 'simple-minded' (at least my case). we have to face ourselves and choices we made, and the 'partners' we chose first. for me i know it is tragic in a sense. it is def not a closure for me. but in any case it's a huge lesson and transformation for me. we live inside each other's lives as this change. as this energy. as this awakening for self love.