28.12.2023 (you as wild card(?))

forgot if i talked about this before in the journal. i think i did. i wish i could withdraw what i said about you being 'wild card'. that was the anxious me talking. if i could have the chance to say it again (i know me jus FF-ing), i'd tell you i would want to be in a relationship with you and also let you know that you can leave anytime.

i think the relationship you feel most comfortable in would be one without any pressure to return any "love" or "kindness" or "expectation" or whatever. i know it might sound extreme. but i reli can imagine that. you have a habit and tendency to 'serve' people, especially people who seem to be suffering. to be ultimately considerate to you would require 'relieving' you from this sense of 'service'.

after rehearsal at Tai Po today, went KT studio and watched some Youtube about how ppl feel about being on both sides of the issue. I try to be aware of my blindspots and defensiveness too. and i try to understand more about how the betrayed would feel. i'm sorry for my earlier reaction to you, and my trying to reach out to you. i think i know what you are going thru now and would be going thru in the near future. it's definitely not easy for anyone.

i'm like this old man with amnesia now cant remember if i have already mentioned stuff in this journal. so a few days ago i was trying to list out things i like most about you, and then things i like most about v. guess what, the things i listed out about you were almost all the things i like about myself: creativity, sensitivity, good listener, humour, observant, playful. so i guess it must be easy for us. we were mostly seeing good things in each other which were like mirrored from ourselves. of cos it's easy to appreciate in ppl what we already have or treasure in ourselves.