28.11.2023 (dear diary)

dear diary, the person who's supposed to read this would probably not see this in near future. would be happy if it happens of cos. but at least hope she could one day. life is nth without hope. meanwhile, nsc try harder to love nsc la ng goi. love him like how iwc loved him. she showed him the ways already 💟 自我分析 mode，其實我之所以有 separation anxiety，是因為某些我覺的非常有 connection 的人，使我感到安全、被愛、被重視，包括 my DGS ex, sai lo 同妳。正如妳所說，是 safe haven。solution其實只能把這個安全/愛offload一點到自己手上，不要這麼依賴。 第二就是，有重視的人就多多陪伴+欣賞，不要等失去之後，做到這兩點我估我會好d d。

it's a bit counter-intuitive, but turns out the only way i could have any chance of talking to u is to become a happy n un-depressed person. I used to think if im not depressed you would think that i have put it down. but i guess it's not like that. you would not want to talk to me if i stay a depressed immature clingy person who cant express his emotions n take care of himself. u probably have moved to another place mentally. i dunno how much u dun wanna care about me now or how hard u are trying to erase me but i feel somehow u'd be glad to see me do well too. so why am i so fking stubborn. u have already said what u wanted, u want me to leave you alone and become better. i will still love u in my own way, but gotta respect the way u want too.