27.2-1.3.2024 (breaking the habit)

recently dou not much work mood, still easily distracted by learning new things, netflix etc. 1 march woke up feeling ma ma dei. slept a bit late last night, decided to try break the bad habit and bad mood. so when i got up, i went down to the gym, unfortunately it's under maintenance til 4pm. so i went back home to cook lunch (jus ramen + beef + choi) and wash laundry. also recently wanna reduce expense so cook more at home is good :)

procrastination is not the issue, anxiety is

so i realized, procrastination is not the core of the issue. the core is anxiety. it is always the negativity and feeling of anxiety that pushes me into a vicious cycle of feeling guilty and unmotivated / defeated / wanting to escape. the solution is dealing with the anxiety by regulating health and forcing myself to change. exercise and diet and social activity should be important.

chess

after the previous point a bit bad to mention that i have found a "new" hobby these few days lol. it's not surprising that i'd like the game of chess. i asked the AI Poe how many possibilities are there in a game of chess. what it replied was fascinating. i

been playing for 2-3 days against computer, starting to grasp more patterns and tricks. a few things i have learnt from chess could be applied in other aspects in life too:

1. attack is the best defense 2. it's important to have a strategy and pattern

3. always remember that your opponent is trying to win just like you are

4. when u see a good move, there's often an even better move

5. you have to be willing to sacrifice and exchange pieces in order to win

good thing is a game can be short like a few minutes. but also bad thing cos a game can be short, sometimes it's easy to go on playing many games without stopping lol. good way to train the brain and learn more about myself (e.g. the attitude and condition and thinking style)

growth

reli crazy how a crisis / "trauma" (a bit, for me) could trigger a lot of new growth. i have been facing my weaknesses and fighting them more. i have learnt to appreciate v a lot more. yesterday she cried when she got home cos she feels tired n frustrated at work. then i felt that i wanna protect her and make her feel happier. vulnerability is really important in a relationship. i guess v and me could never be like us. n of cos no one can be like other ppl. i'm starting to think that maybe sometimes we "cant" be too romantic about who our life partner is... due to all the circumstances, sometimes life gives us someone as the life partner. one could keep saying no and keep searching, or one could jus try make it work. me saying that though, doesn't mean you are not still my favorite human being. i still look at how you r doing every single day. i still think about you and our happy times all the time. and i will never give up trying to talk to u again.

but running around with motivational quotes, notion app, journal, meditation, everything. eventually reli need the right key to the right problem. thank u really for being a huge part of my growth n my journey to find self love. ilusm really.