24.10.2023 (if this ain’t the worst torture)

so much emotions building up inside me, with no exit.

every gap of silence, instantly filled up with thoughts.

it's the old friend called anxiety.

you hv been the magical anti-depressant. so turns out im still extremely weak on my own.

i dunno if time feels longer now or shorter. every day just feels heavy, and painful

everything u decided to do makes sense. everything also doesn't make any sense.

one moment we are the closest souls in the universe. next moment im a stranger whose life or death wouldn't cause a tickle to u.

i know it's immature n irrational to feel this way, but when you seem unbothered n life-as-usual it's like stabbing into my heart... at the same time i know i should be glad to see u happy n 'unbothered'.

i'd often rewind to things we've said to each other, on the phone, in person, in signal, whatsapp, voicenotes... i cannot reconcile any of tht with what is happening now

to think that i've found the perfect soulmate, n then next moment have this murdered. if this isnt the worst torture that can be designed? is this the Bad Place designed by Michael? i wish it was though, cos Michael has good in him and would perhaps change his mind at some point.