20.12.2023 (*important entry* told v)

been wanting to do this so long. every time there were some things preventing it, maybe she's not feeling well, or she has a lot of work, or she needs to wake up early.... i realized i cant wait anymore. tonight she finished work relatively earlier. we ate foodpanda til around 10pm.

then i asked her do u hav some time, can we chat?

took me gigantic courage to tell her about it. i still havnt told her who u are i jus described the circumstances. she cried a bit and then tons of anger as expected. also she has the right to be angry of cos. i was surprisingly calm. prob cos i already rehearsed this 1 million times in my head. n i also tried to hold back having too much sense of guilt. i did feel sad seeing her cry but mayb i already knew she would be saying these things so i didnt hv much emotional response. to her everything is my fault n she has no interest in hearing about how i overcame my anxiety or my emotional background or experience with the councellor. she thinks it's all my illusion n the incident was just me couldn't withstand temptation, just that. i know it's gonna take her some time to process. i really wish to talk things thru with her. maybe im not using the right tone or best approach. i tried to at least be calm n rational.

dunno how things would go, but im glad i did it. it's def one of the most difficult things i hav done in my life. i know it might sound 'anxious' to you but i felt i could do this partly cos of ur essays. and becos u said i should tell her. of cos eventually it's only me here to convince myself eventually.