2.12.2023 (!!! this entry is important !!!)

interesting this is reli becoming like a self-help journal. indirectly happening thx to u. watched some YT clips about 被討厭的勇氣, dont entirely agree with the part about like discarding past trauma, but the part about courage to be disliked hits me. turns out i do care a lot about being or appearing to be the nice person, n fulfilling certain expectations from family, frds, colleagues whatever, even when it clashes with my personal wants or feelings. we easily label that as selfish, but how do ppl distinguish between selfish and self-love? today at Tam Jai alone, suddenly yau got tears watering my eyes lol. not reli like emo or depression kind of tears, but more like self-love kind of tears i guess? I wonder how i survived these years without learning about myself earlier. part of it is of cos about you too. a phrase that hit me recently was "you dont lose people, you return them". it's very difficult for me to accept this phrase, but i know there's a lot of truth in it. for an "anxious attachment" type like me, it's like a very important thing to learn. of cos i'd still FF about talking to u again, or even becoming gd frds, or more? i dunno. gum honeslty speaking i still love you, n will stay that way for dunno how long... i know it can happen, and i know my healing would make it more likely to happen. rethinking about your words back in August. they make more sense now. now it's my turn to spill the truths to v. I went from being traumatized, angry, annoyed, depressed, to feeling more gratitude and a more peaceful form of love from and for u. that's been quite a journey. indeed our encounter let us uncovered all our deepest truths about ourselves, how we were unhappy and how we tried to suppress the feelings. it was you and it was me who made that possible. how i wish to talk to u now so u can see how i "changed / grew". still some way to go for me (maybe for u too). now i feel we are each fighting for our lives, and somehow also "accompanied" by each other? lol call me FF and hopeless romantic. maybe u dont see it that way. but i do n jus let me lol.

now i really get why u kept carrying on ur head me saying you are a "wildcard". it was coming from my anxiety n fear of losing ppl. i should not love you in an anxious way. respecting your 100% freedom to leave anytime n being peaceful about it is the right way to love you. true love yuen loi reli not about possessing or getting anything back. super lame n leung, but yuen loi there's truth in it.