17.12.2023 (better now)

if i read ur essays back in August now, i'd probably understand what you said better. i now care less about how he actually found out. starting to understand why u said it could be a good thing we could go wild for two years n then tht happened. the two years were really like a dream. like i get to relive a college love story. i'd probably never be able to put things down like u (of cos i dunno what u hv inside ur head). n our time tgt (whether u call tht real or not) many ppl couldnt experience that ever. n no one could take that away.

i now understand more how attachment does not = love. it sounds idealistic but the pure form of love really should not be based on attachment.

it is good that we are forced to confront the realities. i admit it's very hard on my side too but i know it's for my (and v's) best interest to confront it.

it's the necessary growth we all needed.

im getting less damaged by anxiety these days. and also im starting to hear melodic ideas in my head again. that's an important indicator for me.

maybe when i get to a more 'healed' stage, i'd be more ready to speak to the transformed iwc. i know there r still many realistic obstacles but i know if i believe in it enough and if im in the right state of mind, it will happen.