14.12.2023 (mulu softly)

hurray, N9 song finally done with the mix. learnt so much about mixing vocals. first time being in charge of mixing & mastering a song for release. wouldnt say it's professional level but i tried what i can, do better next time.

jarie today told me if i hvnt started working on her song she wants to think again whether she wants to release it or even find another person for another direction. somehow i guess she is possibly saying tht out of politeness, mayb cant stand me dragging the schedule. in the past i would react with tons of guilt and anxiety and panic attack. this time i accepted it. i accepted that i sometimes disappoint people due to my not ideal workflow / time management. the anxiety n guilt made it even harder for me to get outside of this loop. but now i accepted, it's ok to disappoint ppl (cos i reli couldnt deliver what i thot i could) and it's ok even if someone decide to not find me anymore or tell ppl about how i couldnt deliver. i used to be so afraid of these things that it made me panic and unable to function.

now i realized it's indeed an issue i should work on, but i also gotta think carefully before i say yes to people's jobs. whether i can practically handle them given my current condition / efficiency. actually linda chow wah yan also asked me to produce & arrange a song for her n i said yes, n then after a few months she also politely said she prefer to find someone to finish it this year. somehow i felt relieved that they let me withdrew from these. for both of them i wasnt super keen to do it but i wanted to do it for the income. wah yan it's partly cos we knew each other since the summer camp, n i would do it for the art too. jarie is normally not my priority, but she was a teammate at 埋班作樂 n the demo was actually good. anyways. it's gd i owe less ppl things now n can focus more on my own stuff.

as regards u. i still check ur ig every day. in a nice non-disturbing way. i think my feelings for u didnt change much. n i feel more at peace / at ease with the feelings now. it's not like anxious craving or pain. more like a piece of 'faith' or 'hope' that we could talk again. u taught an anxious king to be less anxious. u should be real proud iwc.